We really don’t care about Harry Potter here (unless it’s naked pictures of Daniel Radcliffe), but The Times has decided to drag us into this crappy Dumbledor being gay controversy by running Edward Rothstein’s retarded editorial. And we’re giving him a mega douche, even though he isn’t reviewing anything, as much as he’s just making an argument that doesn’t need to be made.

Listen. If J.K. Rowling says he’s gay, he’s gay. Deal. What is most important to realize is that everyone assumed he was straight. Just like we assume all characters, real or imagined, to be straight, unless proven gay/guilty. So to say his being gay “doesn’t matter” is just idiotic. It does matter. And all the crazy attention the announcement made proves that it matters to readers, not just to J.K.

Yeah, yeah. Theoretically, artistically, it might not matter in the sense that it doesn’t affect the art of the novel. But Rawling seems shrewd enough to understand that declaring a character gay, who doesn’t necessarily need to be gay in order to further any kind of plot line, would still be controversial in a cultural sense, and would certainly challenge the conservative values of many of her adoring fans. To me, that seems important.

Rothstein also carelessly groups Dumbledor with fictional characters like Bert & Ernie and Tinky Winky, all characters who have been assumed to be gay by outsiders, and were never declared gay by their creators. There’s a big difference.

And the bottom line is that Rothstein’s editorial is intended to be just as inflammatory (and therefore, similarly irrelevant) as Rowling’s original outing. It’s more fuel to the fictional fire, and we admit, we definitely got scorched. So there. Are you happy? Now the only liberal paper in the city has come out with the intellectual conservative gay-erasing of a fictional character. I’m glad you’ve helped ease the mental crises of all the homophobic sci-fantasy nerds who haven’t been able to sleep a wink since their wizard hero became gross and creepy to them. It’s okay, you don’t have to think of Dumbledor as gay if you don’t want to. Just like you continue to believe that Jesus was a bleached blonde white guy. Afteral, it’s all makebelieve.